Code Red

The school had had an active shooter practice drill a couple of weeks ago. My daughter was in class, but students were working in groups and didn’t hear the announcement that it was just a drill. She thought it was real and texted me. She was upset the rest of the day. We talked about it, let her vent. She took a bath, got a good night’s sleep. We carried on as we do.

I remember watching the coverage of Columbine as it was happening. Kids just a few years younger than myself crying, streaming out of the school. I watched the screen, horrified. How can this be real? How is this happening?

24 years later, I get the text that we all dread as parents. “Mom. School is in lockdown. I don’t think it’s a drill this time.” After a few minutes, I get the text from the district that the school is in lockdown, police are on site and we are not to come to the school.

I went to the school.

I didn’t care. And neither did 50-60 other parents. We parked away from the school, out of the way of police, of course, but there is no way I’m NOT coming to the school to get my kids if need be. After the police had cleared the campus an hour and a half later, parents were allowed on campus to get their kids if needed. There was a call that was taken seriously, but later turned out to be a prank that set this whole thing in motion. My daughter called me, and through her tears said she wanted to stay at school to be with her friends and finish the day. I don’t know if that was the right thing. Maybe I should have taken her and her brother out for the rest of the day. I let her take the lead and told her she knew herself and how she felt and that if that’s what she wanted to do, that was fine. I went to sit in my car for a minute to calm down.

I’m so sick of this.

I’m sick of teachers having to comfort kids, protecting their students with their own life, all while teaching the subjects they are passionate about and getting underpaid for the privilege of doing so.

It is madness. How is this normal?!

Tonight we ordered take out and ate dinner. Hannah and I went on a lovely evening hike afterward. We left our phones at home and climbed a couple of hills overlooking the valley where we live. A hike doesn’t fix the big stuff in days like today, but it felt good to get fresh air, get some elevation, say some gratitude prayers and clear our minds. Hannah wanted to go a little further and have some solo time, so I waited below and saw her tiny silhouette on top of the ridge with both hands raised. I mirrored her, raising my arms up in a V, witnessing her summit. She made her way back down and we walked home. Tomorrow counselors will be available, as will therapy dogs. Ironically the dogs were supposed to be on campus today, but of course had to be rescheduled. They will likely be well loved tomorrow.

I write when I have things that need to come out of me. Hannah sings to the ocean or to the mountains. She whacks golf balls. We both like to hike. She also writes. She penned a heartbreaking poem tonight and asked me to share it. It’s called Code Red.

Code Red
We all feel dread
Barricade the door
And secure the floor

Drill or no?
We feel so low
Hide behind a table
But it doesn’t feel stable

My tears keep flowing
Can’t stop sobbing
Can we keep going?
Wait and wait behind the desk
It all just feels like such a mess

15 minutes now
Teachers say it’s okay!
But we know the truth.
Although we are the youth,
We know.
It doesn’t take a sleuth
Or even just a clue
To know that this isn’t a drill.

I hug my friends and cry,
It feels like we’re about to die.
And in this moment I am just helpless
All I can do is wait.

It’s been 30 minutes now.
Feels like a million.
My tears continue flowing and there is no stop to them.
Nothing to do but hide,
Nothing to do but cry.

Cannot leave
Just can’t breathe
All I wanna do is grieve

It’s been 45.
At least we’re still alive!
Stay quiet
Cannot make a riot

Hoping that my friends will be okay
Texting them to see what they say
I hate today.

Breathe in and out.
Without a doubt
It was just a hoax
Someone who has jokes

One long hour.
Just so sour.
Everyone was okay.
At least they said
because of this code red.

Living through a nightmare
Like all my bad dreams
All of these streams of tears.
Gleams of hope
But still no joke

Feel like I’m going to explode,
Just a load of bull
Because of a 911 call.
And in this world
I feel so small.

Hannah S.

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Dear Running

You have taught me many things since we started this relationship. There are times I don’t like you. I’ve even thought about quitting this whole deal. I’ve bought new outfits, gadgets, and even shoes to impress you, but you don’t care about that stuff. You never criticize when I’m slow, or I’m just not feeling “us”. I experiment with others – but I eventually come back to you. I will likely always come back to you.

You see, you were my first love.

You have taught me a world of possibility
That I must continue to have dreams for me
Any goal can become a reality
That if I put in the work and the time
I really can cross any finish line

You’ve helped me learn to celebrate
No matter how big or small,
Each and every victory
Achievement in them all

That first time, looking up and catching their eye
feeling that I am worthy of the greeting
as the pounding pace of footsteps fly

Running that first mile
without stopping to walk
The first time I heard someone
refer to me as a jock

You have taught me to need you
and in the beginning I really had no clue
I didn’t like it at first
but somehow, somehow you knew.

Never a time when we are together
do you make it the same – nearly never.
We each bring something to the table
and you again show me how I am able.

Hard work is crucial – this is true
You don’t make it easy
But I’ll never be through

With you
I am more me
than with anybody

I will likely never get enough of you
Running, oh running,
when we are together
the experience is always stunning.

The Path

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Sometimes the path is rough. It’s not laid out like you may have planned.

Improvisation may be necessary.

That broken log? That’s just a way made by those who have gone before you. Be grateful.

See those rocks? They may look like stumbling blocks, but they may also be in just the right place to get you where you need to go.

Those pilings to the side? Perhaps the road not taken; for reasons we may never know.

The water may be cold, but how will you know if you don’t even try?

Can you make it to the other side? Can you take a chance? Even if the entire plan is not laid out for you to see?

Just try…

You are more capable than you believe.

Happy Birthday Jacob!

Here we are again, another year has past
and I’m sitting here thinking it went by so awfully fast.

This turning six is a big deal
“I should be treated as a grown-up!”
is how you say you feel.

And while you feel you’re good as grown
I’ll have to stop you right there
I am just not ready,
nope, no where near prepared.

It’s time to just slow down a bit
Take the moment and savor it.
Looking back over the year of you
A move, new house and starting school, too.

Lots of changes came your way
Reading, writing and ‘rithmetic
And lots and lots of play!

You love your new teacher
Her color system works the best
Getting purple or staying on green
is your daily quest

You love Monopoly
And have caught on so quick
We play and you beat us all
We need to learn your trick!

You love to chase the dog around
He likes to chase you, too
Playing fetch and giving loves
Is what you (both) like to do!

I can’t imagine a single day
Without a Jacob in it
I love you birthday boy
And your charming spirit!

IMG_7374 IMG_0349 IMG_6637 IMG_6567 IMG_6012 IMG_5900_2 imgsvr.ashx cropped-1175430_10200601260498396_1035805892_n.jpg IMG_3547 IMG_3522 IMG_1352 The sun is back... and so is my sanity! I Love You Jacob, by Mommy I Love You Jacob, by Mommy I Love You Jacob, by Mommy I Love You Jacob, by Mommy Photo Fun! Hannah Is 2!! Hannah Is 2!!image Billy Lee 240 524052_3374508445934_886662501_n 67239_4364940326112_169602909_n 858397_4485236613444_1639223181_o imgsvr.ashx imgsvr.ashx imgsvr.ashx imgsvr.ashx IMG_4301 IMG_6256 IMG_6766

Happy Birthday Hannah

Oh happy Hannah!image
How lovely you are
With your silly smile and goofy grin
You make everyone join on in!

You are turning 4 today,
So excited are you
Surprises are what you’ve wished for
And that I think we can do!

“Let’s play family!” is your daily request
(You could play it all and every day!)
“Alright, I’ll do my best!”imgsvr.ashx
Is what I always say

I love the way you snuggle in
And love to be held
Not only in my arms
But in my heart as well

Your sparkly eyes they dance
As they look expectantly up at mine
With your excited wide grin, you pull me in
Every single time!

I love to watch you laugh and play
You’ll forever be my baby girl
No matter how old you are or where you go
You’ll always be my world

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Christmas 2011

Looking back, I remember
when they brought you up to me
Rarely do we imagine as parents
how it’s really going to be

Life with you is so much better
than anything we could dream
You make us laugh, and charm us all
I’m sure everyone would agree

We wish you the happiest of days,
today especially
Let the fun of 4 begin
And never let it end!

We love you Hannah!

Happy, happy birthday sweetheart!

 

LOVE!
LOVE!

We love our dawgies!
We love our dawgies!

Outfit complete!
Outfit complete!

First Fish!
First Fish!

Hawaiian girl!
Hawaiian girl!

Ready to swim!! Well, almost...
Ready to swim!! Well, almost…

Cards, anyone?!
Cards, anyone?!

Swing!
Swing!

Crazy things!
Crazy things!

Jacob

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It’s quiet all around
as we celebrate you
Our family and friends start to arrive
Comfy in your pjs, in your gifts you’re ready to dive!

This year you said “Batman”
so that is what we did
Blue, black and yellow
You are such a fun big kid!

You are 5 today and every year
I say “I can’t believe how fast”
But really!?
Has ANOTHER year already past?!

A bit mischievous, funny
And ridiculously smart
Often it’s hard to keep a straight face
And do my “parenting part”.

Laughing and rough house,
Hide and seek and boo!
Pillow fights and “let’s scare dad!”
Is what you love to do!

Oh little man, how I love you so
You have taught us both more than you’ll ever know
You are 5 today and it’s just the start
It’s true that kids simply take your heart

You have taken mine, sweet little boy
There was never a doubt
That though you stole my heart
You are someone I could never live without.

Hope this will be a day to remember
A day filled with laughter, friends, and fun
Happy birthday Jacob Levi
Love Daddy, Hannah, and I.

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