The One I Don’t Want to Write

I lost 50lbs.

We moved almost a year ago. I gained 8 lbs. The hubbs deployed.  Then 12 lbs more creeped on. Old habits resurfaced.

I thought I had this. I thought it was “under control”. My eating has not been on point – completely hit and miss. My exercise – meh. I’ve done some little 5ks here and there, but honestly – I’m pushing through – not all that excited or motivated. About any of it. The races I had signed up for were really the only thing keeping at least one of my feet on the right track. I’m definitely not working out at the level I was.

I know part of it is the deployment. Much of it is the dark at 3pm, cold and I have no energy. I feel like I’ve lost a bit of my fire. I look back at old posts, magic marathon moments….the excitement is remarkable. I still tear up when I see the marathon pictures. I feel like I’ve let people down in a way. Not that I’m perfect or don’t have failings, but I guess I just felt like “I got this”.

I don’t.

I have to get back to basics. Do the things I know I need to do to get my weight and health back on track. I refuse to be the person I was before 2011.

Which brings me to the subject of failure. I like to succeed. I like it when things are going great – the goals are being met, the PRs are happening all the time, consistent improvement, when things are in control. I may be a slight control freak…..

I have to remind myself that failure only happens when I stop trying. It won’t happen if I continue to lace up my shoes and get in the runs. Failure can’t catch me if I keep getting up and trying again. And again. And again. Never stopping. Resting from time to time, healing, listening to my body – of course. But not stopping. Never giving up.

I had set out to get certified this year to become a personal trainer. It didn’t happen. I have the materials – and I will take the test eventually. It is still the long term goal, but I feel like I had to take a pause of sorts. The things I had in mind for “getting done” this deployment just became back burner. This deployment took so much of my energy. I felt like I just needed to survive. There wasn’t anything left for thriving.

Tomorrow my husband returns. And while I will not be one of those wives whose life stops when the deployment starts, I do find that with littles, it’s harder than I had expected. Much of my energy is consumed by them. And that is how it should be. There is a time for everything.

I am a better parent, wife, friend, etc., when my health is on track. (And I’m much nicer at the grocery store!) While this “home port visit” will be entirely too short, I know it will be the welcome reprieve to readjust, reevaluate, run, workout and reset some priorities. I want to make this time I have count to give me that boost to thrive instead of just survive the last leg of this deployment period.

I’ve “survived” in an unhealthy way for a decade. I thrived for a year.

It’s time to thrive once again.


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