Faking It

A-hem. Not that kind of faking.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day who hasn’t seen me in person for over 6 or 7 months. After posting some silliness from a dress up day at work, the conversation drifted to something along theses lines:

“By the way, you look amazing…You were already looking good when I left, but holy transformation batman!!! Do you feel how much you’ve changed in such a short time?”

As the exchange continued deeper, I got to thinking. Do I realize it?

The answer is no, not really. Partially because I’ve been down this path before. I usually only can tell when I go to grab an article of clothing to try it on and realize I went three sizes too big. It’s a body dysmorphia of sorts, but it bleeds over into other stuff.

Stuff like thinking, “They are gonna find out that I’m not that good.” If I was at _______ gym where the “real trainers” are, I wouldn’t get hired. (As if I am not a “real trainer” or the people I work with are not “real trainers”?!) It’s a feeling that I’m back where I was. Both physically and mentally. She went on to state that, “Outsiders always see more clearly than we see ourselves.” How often have I said this exact same statement! It’s so true.

As irrational as it sounds, I feel like I need to pinch myself because inside I still feel like the size 16-18 girl who somehow managed to land a job in the fitness industry. This isn’t false humility or a begging for compliments, please do not misunderstand. When we lose a significant amount of weight, what we often don’t realize is that there is still some mental weight to offload. Just because you lose body size doesn’t mean you lose insecurities, at least not overnight.

Chasing a dream and going after it with abandon didn’t happen TO me. I went after it. It wasn’t luck or chance. I studied, learned, practiced, and continue to learn. Will it ever feel real, that I’m not faking it?

I sure hope so.

I love what I get to do. I know in my bones that I am fortunate to be able to do something I am passionate about and can pass that passion on to others.

While all of this is playing around in my mind, I engage clients day after day that continually remind me that this fitness deal is about so much more than just an aesthetic. That may be what brings us in the door, but it never fails – when we stick with it, it becomes more.

How honored I was to be told that because of our workouts, a client survived a severe physical attack. Her attacker had a knife. She ran faster than she’d ever ran before. I sat in my car and cried after our session. Who gets to be privileged to witness such amazing acts of courage?

I do.

I hope I never lose the perspective that get to do this. That it’s a gift. This deal isn’t something to be faked or phoned in.